So, having prepared a cheese and pineapple on sticks hedgehog, strawberry Angel Delight and ruining an attempt at curried eggs (vom) I poured myself a large gin and slim, and settled down for a snigger bonanza. And last night’s show definitely didn’t disappoint.
First up was Engelbert, fondly known on Twitter as The hump. A sterling effort Hump, but I spent the duration of his song wondering if The hump would in fact get the hump (geddit) when he lost. Lame joke I know, but hey, he was only ever going to be the warm up act, because lets face it, we all know the UK ain’t ever gonna win. We could roll out Adele, our Chezza in her swirly print Ali Baba pants with Mr I. Am yelling ‘boom boom, peng ting and dope dope dope,’ in the background, plus all of One Direction looking barely legal, and we still wouldn’t win.
Anyway, the next act worthy of note was the weirdly fascinating ‘experimental jazz lover’ AKA Albanian woman with her giant Aunty Bessie bun and fffreaky rat’s tail hairpiece coiled around her neck. Keep taking the pills love…
Then came the Turkish blokes wafting their capes around. I’ve wanted a cape for ages, but especially now. I just can’t wait to join up with other cape lovers so we too can make a… BOAT. I shit you not.
And what about blindfold man? shut upppp, you plum. I can’t even remember which country he was from, I was that mesmerized by his funky dance moves. But then came the Russian grannies?! Speechless I was, and it takes a lot for that to happen to me, I spent the whole weird oven-baking experience thinking they’d make a fabulous real life Matryoshka doll, if you shoved them one –by- one inside each other, starting with the gummy shrunken one first. Perfect.
Nice to see Italy keeping it real too, by going for the urban option and wheeling out a Nancy Dell’Olio lookalike swathed in tin foil to bellow “boom boom” and shake her hips around for a bit. But did you see Estonia boy pulling his sex face throughout his song? Oh purlease… nearly barfed on my Angel Delight.
Malta man brought a bit of eye candy to the show, but what was that stray foot pump thing he had going on? And then came Ukraine, and I’d deffo heard their choon before, prob circa ’93 in the Leisure Lounge but I could be mistaken, was too off my face to remember for sure. But anyway, they got my vote with their big up, yeah up, shout out, pump it up, massiiiiive, big fish little fish and all that. Plus I liked the flower in her hair, nice touch, not so sure about her fanny-grabbing dance moves though.
And then the show was over… or was it! Personally, I thought they saved the best bits until last. I mean, when they went in to the green room… what was that woman on? You know, the one who turned her glazed eyes towards the camera and said, I feeeel goooood.’ Yeah me too love, but word of advice, step away from the powder, fruitloop. Then Sweden woman chimed in with, ‘I freakin looooove you.’ Not you too. Steady on, it’s supposed to be a family show, next up they’ll be getting naked and asking us to join in.
And then came the voting bit, and I almost fell off the sofa laughing myself in to a hernia. Who was that weird mime artiste with his beret and scarf combo, kept expecting him to slap his palms up and start pretending to escape along an imaginary wall. But the Swedish voting lady really cracked me up, she went to the Catherine Tate School of English obvs. Kept expecting her to come out with ‘I’m not bovvered. Yeah, I know that…’ Flaming cheek, I love Catherine Tate and she’s ruined it all for me now. Ruined.
But the laughs kept coming, what about Finland man, well, I say man, he looked like a swamp beast dressed up in his rubber suit. Turn it in with your dodgy tongue thing and devil horns rock fist, this is your window to the world and you’re using the time to sound like a misogynistic dollop with your ‘cute’ ‘babe’ ‘horny’ comments. It’s supposed to be a singing contest, not a thigh rubbing session in your outdoor hot tub, or whatever it is you get up to in that winter wonderland of yours.
Sweden won of course, no surprises there, but then they were bound to with their David Guetta track. And nice touch from our Scott Mills, with his ‘home of the 2012 Olympics line’… yeah, slap it in to them Scott. We may be the Eurovish losers but we got the Olympics and that’s HUGE… ner ner ner ner neeerrr.
Luck and love